The New Man

I have new found respect for a friend of mine although I must say that the respect was always there in the first place. He managed to do something most of us would never have done. He approached someone he really fancied although she was a total stranger in an environment that was totally unfriendly. He had the courage to wait for her even though the wait was torturous with the entire setting not helping at all. He rose out of the blazing fire of uncertainty, paranoia and the fear of rejection, to appear witty and extremely smooth.And for that my friend, I salute you, for being the New Man that you are right now. Whatever the outcome, this is a milestone in all our lives and most importantly yours and may it bring you greater success in future.

I havent been blogging for very long, have I? Its been busy and I have had many issues to deal with. And I realized I have had many visitors on my blog, not only through my tag box but also from hearsay. To everyone, I welcome you to my humble abode, for it is after all an online journal for everyone's viewing pleasure. I would be stupid and irrational to be pissed at some of the misguided and nonsensical comments that I have come to know of( dont worry,not you my fellow taggers), because I knew this was what I was in for the moment I started blogging. Nevertheless, if I were that bothered with what every single individual thinks and says of me, I probably would have died of mental stress by now. So to everyone, I mean everyone even you the Matan-haters, thank you taking time off your busy lives to slot in daily peeks into my life. Its really nice to know that some people care about how you are doing and stuff.

Oh I did many things this week which I havent blogged about and i suppose I shall start today. I went climbing with carlos and angelsoul and I have to say thay that I really suck at it, even for a first timer. Somehow I felt really inadequate and useless that I wasnt as good as my fellow mates, and I was really quite affected. Nevertheless, I am a fighter and I will be going climbing again this weekend, hoping that I will get better. I have to.

I have directed two programmes for Nu quest as of today, the first being for HewLett Packard and the second being Chevron Texco. Please dont ask what do these companies deal in cos I really dont know. I know as the programme director I should know my clients but, i figured that they really wouldnt care if I delivered the teambuilding workshop in an excellent fashion, and so i did, at least by my standards. On top of that, I also did some marketing when I went for a marketing appointment with Shang Ri La and North east CDC. What are the odds? If this goes through, I would be running the workshop for a company with too many familiar faces, one of which is an ex, and another her extremely-jealous- of- me boyfriend. I hope this pulls through cos I cant wait to see the look on his face.

Alright I have got more to say but I am running out of time. I left my phone with my friend yesterday and I am meeting him soon to get it. I feel too lost without the gadget, so I have to get it now. Ill be back to blog some more. See Ya

Azuan Out

Hypocrite

Hey everyone. I feel like shit guys. I contemplated for a long time as to whether i wanted to post this up online for the whole world to see. I started blogging with one of my objectives hoping to be more transparent with my life so that I wouldn be living a lie. But guess what, I am doing it again.
The guilt of keeping this in, is killing me. I am not really sure if it is the guilt that is bothering me or the disappointment and heartbreak that I am feeling. I guess ill never know cos both cases I am not gonna do anything about it. Somehow I just cannot face up to the truth and admit it. On the other hand I really cant let go. I really wished life was simpler and that i didnt have to think about it. But thats the problem. I always wonder if its just me or does shit fall on my lap all the time.Somehow I am pretty sure there was nothing much i could have done to prevent this. But then again, I could just be beingdefensive about it all.
I am sorry. I really didnt know what to do. Everything happened very fast and I guess I was too overwhelmed by everything. I hope someday you will find it in your heart to forgive.I really am sorry.

Overdue

This was supposed to be a posting that I drafted quite some time ago but i didnt have the time to post it or finsh it, but finally I have. My apologies to all for having to sigh in disappointment whenever you visited The Peak just to read the words Blind Loyalty again. As you would have figured, I havent had much time to spare whenever I was in front of the computer on top of tha fact that I had to deal with certain issues in life right now. Many would also be glad to know that i have edited the many mistakes on my profile which I was glad to do since it would be making many of my readers smile knowing that they were extremely irritated by it. Anyway, people this is gonna be a long one and you know it. So all the best.

Chinese New Year and Valentine's day went by and I spent these two festive and joyous occasions and I have always done so these past years. My dad couldnt get off from work for the two days cos unlike all his colleagues, he celebrates both Hari Raya and the Lunar New Year but they couldnt possibly give him off days on both occasions, especially when most of his colleagues are Chinese by ethnicity. I didnt really eat that much especially when they decided to make the main course of our annual reunion dinner "Nasi Bryani", a dish that I really cant stand. Yes yes, there are some types of food that Matan doesnt eat. Nevertheless I enjoyed celebrating this New Year cos it is a time to recoup some financial losses. As for V-day, I havent celebrated it for quite some time. Notwithstanding the fact that I dont really think we should make a big deal out of some day just because everyone else is doing so, it gets to you when you seen everyone else holding roses, hand in hand with their loved ones whispering sweet nothing into each others' ears, feeling loved, contented happy and most importantly un-alone. I sincerely believe that it is an innate nature within everyone to want to be with someone such that they would not feel lonely and no matter how much we profess that we love the single life, there are many a time when the feeling of loneliness hits you wishing you were in the position of these Valentines. Of course, the best thing to happen is when this someone is someone you are sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally attracted to. But usually these things dont happen to Matan. Even if they do, either he would screw up bad and lose everything or circumstances would never allow it to happen. More or less, that has been my love story for a very long time. But I cant really be complaining cos most of the time it a result of my own doing. So once again, no Valentine's Day celebration for me.

At this juncture, there are a few people that I would need to apologize to. To karikal lane, I am extremely sorry for my absence these past few days. I know I should at least give a word or two, but there have been occasions when I did attempt to do so but it was too late into the night. Other than that I have been really busy with school. Its not an excuse and I will not lie. My not being there has also a lot to do with the fact that I dont really know what to say. I suppose its becauseyou have been too nice a person and too great a friend for me to just dismiss the entire idea.However it did come as a shock especially after what we have agreed upon before. But I have done some thinking and doing the right thing i what I have decided. Its a hard decision but i suppose its for the best.

To the one between me and the sepeg, thanks for the lovely gesture and thanks for being a really great friend. I was truly touched and i truly appreciate the kindness you have shown. However I would need to apologize for the way I have been acting these past few days especially when you have made an effort to be nice. Yet i do stupid things and ac in weird ways. I am truly sorry. I wish I could tell you why but somehow I just cant. Nevrtheless you dont deserve to be treated in that way, and again I apologize. I think thats it for now for apologies. A lot of you wouldnt understand, but as you would have known, I cant really be too transparent in my entries for i seriously dont want to be hurting anyone;s feelings.

I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the things I need to do or the feats I need to achive n order to fulfil the various responibilites that have been entrusted. I need to be a responsible student that includes attending all my lectures and tutorials, submitting and finishing my assignments, tutorials and essays and being up to date with the lecture content and readings. I gathered at he beginning of this semester that the only way to do this effectively is to get to school on time, and spending my evenings in the library. I have only stepped into the library twice this semester. That means that I am very far behind in some lectures and most of the assignments havent been really good work, because they were usually done last minute. I have no excuse but I must say that most of the time, it is because i do not have a lot of time on my hands although there were some lazy moments when i just succumbed to sloth and proceeded home immediately after school.

I do not have time because, I reall think that it is my responsibility to earn as much money as I can. I have said these things before and I am sure everyone knows how tight I am right now fiancially. Work commitments therefore becomes a prority. Other than my MDIS assignment,I havent been really succesful in gettung a second tuition assgnment. Whats worse is that I have to do a lot just to make sure I continue being an MDIS tutor like attending seminars and courses, doing lesson plans, marking and making sure my supervisors like me. The salary although a lot for a tution assignment, will not be enough which leaves me to do NU Quest jobs like conducting corporate programmes and camps but I have to admit it takes up a lot of time. As it is I have skipped 2 lectures since school reopened because i was working. I have just been told by my boss to attend marketing proposals to schools for camps, because he wants me to start programme-directing these camps. This is a good thing because i get paid a lot more, but it also means less free time for myself because i need to meet clients and stuff, on top of coming up with proposals and planning programmes. But I really need the money. As it is I feel really bad asking from my dad money for petrol when I use the car most of the time. Whats worse, I think my phone bill this month is going to rocket sky high because of my incessant use and my mum is definitely going to scream since its under her name.

Speaking of my parents, I really need to start spending more time at home before they start making a lot of noise about treating the house as though it is a hotel. I cant really argue about that because they have every right to demand that of me because I am after all their eldest son. I feel even more guilty when they throw in reasons like being a role model to my siblings.They have always been right in everything and history have always shown that I must listen to them or suffer dire consequences. So i suppose I reallyneed to start being a responsible son.

I should never gorget about being responsible to my ownself. I used to call this being a responsible Azuan, and this includes making time for doing the things that I want to do. Ok its not really making sense but usually this includes stuff like working out and doing things i like to do.I havent been keeping to my exercise regime, in fact last week it was really bad cos i only worked out twice and I feel really bad about it. I really need to wake up like 6 or 7 in the morning to run because it is way too hot to run in the later part of the day these days, and I would risk not exercising at all because something important came up or friends asked me out or if I was just too lazy to get to the SRC.

I really need to be a more responsible Muslim. Considering that being a Muslim means following the Islamic route as a way of life, and that should be all encompassing, I think I should be more specific when it comes to the spiritual attainment I hope to achieve. For starters I have made resolutions to keep to all my prayers at the designated times but even such a small thing like that, I have failed to achieve. For the dont's, it hasnt been too successful either. There is a major sin that I have abstained from for the past 4 to 5 months, but everyone keeps telling me its just a matter of time or that the opportunity hasnt really been knocking on my door. Accordingly, to them, thats the true test. But other than that, I have been gossiping, being hypocritical and stuff so in that sense I am really far from being responsible from an Islamic perspective.

On top of all these things, everyone needs time off with friends and stuff. Considering I hardly have much of a love life, the time spent with close buds are something I treasure a lot and wouldnt give up. The last movie I watched was probably a really long time ago, and I havent really gone out for fun' s sake in a long time other than a superb session at Sentosa on the first day of Chinese New Year. For details on that, visit angelsoul. Oh yes, I hope its not too late to wish Happy New Year to all my Chinese mates, as well as to my Muslim brothers and sisters. May prosperity, bliss and happiness engulf you throughout this brand new year. For those who didnt know, the Lunar New Year and the Muslim New Year fell on the same day this year.

Thats it for now folks. I hoped that it was a good read. Hopefully, you wouldnt be disappointed in the next few days seeing the same line Over due again.

PS: Do visit me fellow mates' blogs for a greater insight into all our lives. I guarantee you entertainment.

Blind Loyalty

I havent blogged for a while, and i must say even if i do, it hasnt been that regular. My excuse this time would be that I just came back from a camp I conducted for NorthBrooks Secondary. This time round however, was not as enriching and satisfying as the last camps i facilitated. In fact, I would have to say that by far, this has been the most disappointing camp I have done. Let me tell you why.

Some preliminary info before I get to the cause of my disappointment. The camp was created for the "cream of the crop " of this school which is situated in Yishun. And by using such an adjective, I was being very sarcastic. These are students who have been preselected by their teachers and principal because of their notoriorety and their inabilty to focus(according to the student profiles submitted to us). Honestly "Lack Focus" doesnt even begin to describe the nonsense these kids have gotten themselves involved in. Gang Involvement, Stealing, Gang RObbery, Fighting, Defiance and Truancy are some milder examples.There even was a student who punched his teacher. The school administration have run out of options and decided that getting the students to go through self-motivation and realization modules could do them some good. Some of their parents even said " Teacher, you do what you want la with my son, I cannot be bothered anymore." I wasnt trying to asses this Father;s parenting abilities, but more of helping you to understand the plight I was about to be subjected to. And honestly, giving up was something I really considered when I was with them for the past 2 days.

I hav conducted camps for "Youths at Risk" before and I was mentally prepared for it this time. In fact, in terms of profile, their background was far worse than these students, for they came from juvenile centres and prison for various reasons. I found it better then, to come in with an open mind and not judge them before even talking or meeting them. I believed that, having a preconceived inpression about these boys would narrow my facilitation and cause an undesired effect on them. This time however, stereotyping them could have helped. These were really horrible kids who had no respect for authority whatsoever. We got a taste of it when we witnessed a converstion they had with their teacher, where you could hear words like "ahhhh...teacher you shut up la....". I never received such comments from them throughout my time with them but I was really taken aback by their manners. Lack of courtesy was not their only flaw. They were a bunch of unmotivated, unenthusiastic and ill informed individuals who have a misguided passion for the wrong things in life. I suppose that was why we were called in the first place. At this point I must qualify that I was disappointed not because of the state of these kids. I was disappointed because I felt that for the first time, I dont think I have delivered what I was paid to deliver. The expectations here was not to make these kids change overnight, or even changeat all. In fact we were supposed to come in just to increase an awareness of choices and options, and their consequences amongst these kids.It started out very well, especially with my group. I was beginning to think that these kids were actually judged wrongly. The turning point came about when everyone congrgated together and a racial divide started to occur, and this racial divide is, to me, the main cause of our having the difficulty to reach them. As you would have guessed, the divide was amongst the chinese and the Malays, who we called Geylang United.

I am now very convinced that if there was any racist impressions in Singapore, it must have been propogated by the inferiority complex of the Minority Malays and not the Majorty race. This is judging from the attitude of the Malay students I had in my camp. Everything seemed to be cnnected to their point that The Chinese were thinking of themselves without sparing a thought for them. It was so bad that they refused to eat with their hands tied together because they didnt want to be treated like dogs. Tying their hands was for them to enjoy eating together within their groups to improve group solidarity but somehow the Malay boys could not see it. It was fine until one of these boys decided to leave and the rest of the Malays followed suit, despite the fact that they were very hungry. What you say "Blind Loyalty."

This stupid sense of "camaraderie" amongst them further disrupted the camp when they threatened to leave. Can you imagine how immature and stupid these Malay boys were thinking they could leave Pulau Ubin without us? Whatever it was, the environment and setting was too hostile and uncomfortable and it affected their reception on the rest of the programme lessons, which is why I was disappointed. We were paid to deliver a programme that could help but I dont think I did. Coupled with how disappointed I was with these Malay boys, it was a really disappointing camp.

I am actually back at home feeling extremely sleepy. Since I have to be up early tomorrow to go for tuition, I think I shall tuck in and sleep away all these worries I have for the future of these boys.

Azuan Out