The Ego Bastard

If everyone read lipstick chronicles, or have heard of the recent ongoing craze about EGO, you would not have been surprised about the title. According to someone who declines to be named, or BS(even though I don’t think he was trying to sign off there), I belong to a species of the human race known as an ego bastard. Yes, to all those who were wondering the use of the word “ego” as an adjective in this particular case, you are certainly not alone. A lot of us wondered about it as well. But as I have learnt in a lot of my English modules, the emergence of the phenomenon known as New Englishes that have emerged as a result of different languages being in contact with one another, has meant that the grammar or the rules of Standard British English, or Standard American English, might not hold as strongly in these New Englishes. So maybe, this “anonymous” person might ascribe to a New English where the grammar says two nouns can be placed side by side. We never know.

Nevertheless, following the motto of Carlos, “don’t judge the content, but the intent”, I have assumed that he or she meant to call me an egoistical bastard of jerk. The interesting thing to note here is to observe the reason that instigated the outcry of such a “compliment”. Miss Lipstick wrote a blog entry about her opinions about another friend of mine however somehow in all that verboseness, anonymous figured that I was the one she was referring to and that prompted him to start the comment that kicked off a truly interesting discussion on her blog.

In all fairness, I have to admit that I have made many enemies all my life, due to reasons that are sometimes circumstantial and therefore unavoidable, but also sometimes a result of my own actions or behaviour. So I suppose they all have their own individual rights to call me names or react unkindly. The thing that I really want to know, is exactly who these people are, such that I would be able to understand their grievances and comprehend the reasons for their hatred, so that I would be able to reflect upon these things that I might have done, and allow myself to progress further into this whole pursuit of being a better person. I know it sounds lame but these are my most sincere and honest intentions. However, I know its impossible especially in the whole internet world where people will choose to remain anonymous. But how will I ever be able to reflect if I myself am not aware of my so-called “ incorrigible acts” or the people I behaved in such a way to?

I have been told though to be more sensitive in my actions to the people around me. According to my friends, there have been many incidences where I was insensitive in my actions to the way people might have thought or felt and that could have triggered them to feel they way they feel about me. Also, it seems that sometimes I am aware of my own wrong doings but I choose to push aside my guilt. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. Whatever it is, I take my friends opinions seriously, so I should listen and act upon these suggestions.

Speaking of which, I would like to thank all my mates, who had my back during these trying times. I feel truly blessed to have comrades like all of you. Mark my words, when the time comes, I will have your back too.

I am feeling sleepy. The long weekend is over and I totally wasted it, cos I spent most of it doing everything else but school work. So I reckon its going to be another busy couple of days when tomorrow comes. Wish me luck mates.

Out
The Ego Bastard
(Maybe i should change my profile now to put this in)

Over protective

One of the Nu quest programmes that I conducted during my leave of absence from the blogger’s fraternity, was a team bonding retreat for staff of North East Community Development Council and if you had religiously been following The Peak, you would have known that my ex and her current boyfriend were both staff of this government organization. So with that in mind, I went about the 17th march, as any other normal programme I have conducted. Smiling to everyone and introducing myself to my clients, at the same time cracking jokes and making small talk to break the ice. Basically the same PR stuff PD's do when trying to satisfy a client’s needs. Everything started out fine and when I met my ex, I had to give the nudge of acknowledgment. In fact it wasn’t much of a nudge, more of the sound you make when you try to clear your throat as she passed by. But I really don’t see how that could ever be wrong. Anyway, things went really great because honestly the staff were extremely enthusiastic about the activities and they had great attitudes coming into this retreat. So all this made it even better for me since they seemed to be very receptive to the things I had to say and were laughing at all my jokes. For a moment there, I was wondering if they were just pretending to be enjoying it or was I really that good. There were also a lot of familiar faces other than her of course, so all in all, everything was going just fine.

But when everything was over, me and my ex had a conversation. The reason being, along the way she kind of stopped participating and was sitting by the side just spectating. And when I asked her about it, she said she was not feeling well and tired. I didn’t read too much into that cos I have always known her to not be that rugged and someone who gets tired easily. Furthermore, the heat was getting to everyone then. So I called her up asking if she was feeling ok, being the concerned friend that i always am. That was when she broke the news about her not being ok. Apparently they just got into a huge fight about me. I was shocked. Other than a few short conversations that was done cos it came under my job scope as programme director, I hardly spoke to the lady. What was even more shocking was the fact that the guy could have known it was me. And when I asked her how did he know I was the one, she made me realize how small the world can be. Apparently, this fella used to give my younger brother tuition during his O’levels and he kind of knows my parents and had once come to my house for hari raya. What’s even funnier is how immature he could get despite being in his mid 30s, when he actually contemplated coming to my house to give me a piece of his mind.

This is the thing I don’t get about protective other halves. Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need to be wary about the activities and the going ons of your other halves but some boyfriends and girlfriends are just being over protective of their partners. The person has friends that she might have known way before she knows you, so just because you are in her life right now, you cant expect her to give it all up. Same thing goes for guys with girlfriends who cannot stand being around the “boys” and expect their boyfriends to feel the same way. I know that the line boundaries are not as clearly defined when it comes to ex boyfriends or ex girlfriends but I am a firm believer of the fact that everyone is free to do whatever he or she wishes to do. What I mean is that, whatever the case might be, ultimately she is a free person that has the liberty to make her own decisions. Just because one is emotionally contracted to someone, it doesnt mean that you own that person, especially when in most cases, the both of them are not married to one another. I am not saying that you don’t have the right to be jealous or feel edgy at the thought of him or her communicating with the ex, but going to the extent of preventing him or her from being friends is absolutely ridiculous. A relationship is supposed to be based on trust, where you should be able to trust your partner to be able to do the right thing and make the right decisions. You can allay your fears, your feelings and your reasonable expectations, but ultimately its up to the individual to do what he or she thinks is right without of course, any breach of trust. In this case,( my ex and her bf), it really is a case of not being able to distinguish between being concerned or jealous, and being immaturely over protective and insecure.

They are having a major crisis right now and my ex have told me never to contact her until she looks for me. Which I think is really sad, considering we were quite close up till now. Whats worse, based on recent events, It seems I have a knack for ruining my friends’ lives…. Well what can I say?

I have to go to Tampines for an Islamic Awareness Carnival NUSMS is organizing. Then ill be back to finish up the tonnes of work I need to finish. Maybe ill blog again later about another comrade’s life that I might have wreaked.

Out.

Traitor

Yes I know, 15 days without a single posting is a tad too long even for me. Busy period with essays, projects and assignments. Nu quest happening on both weekends( my weekends start on Thursday by the way). More or less all that sums up excuse for having gone missing for the past fortnight. Once again my apologies to all my avid readers.

A lot has happened though and the most significant of them all is in learning how lousy of a person I am, much less a friend. I have betrayed, lied and deceived a friend who has been nothing but a great friend to me, and all for a cause that I for one cannot pinpoint but even if I could, I know for a fact that it was a cause that wasn’t worthjeorpadizing friendship, a friendship that I must say is long gone for now, since I have breached the one rule of friendship, LOYALTY.

I was reminded of many things that have happened in the past, mostly the bad of course, and of a time when I was on the receiving end of such betrayal. Obviously, the circumstances were very different but the point was then, that I would not have done that to them, just as how I know for the friend that he is, he would not have done this to me. And for that as I have said before, I am sorry.

I needed to tell all, because it just wasn’t right and you need to know that I had wanted to say this a long time ago but there were a lot of things that prevented it from happening. That however does not make it all right. I also need to say, malice was never in my intent at all, but I am sure that doesn’t really matter.

So friends or people that know of The…. Tan, beware, he might just do the same thing to you.

I realized I just did it again.

Out

Director's analysis

If you had read Miss Lipstick’s recent entry, you would have noticed two things. The first thing would be that I took the train to school yesterday instead if my usual morning drive, and the other would be that we were both civic minded individuals who felt really bad for not having been the first one to give up his seat to an old man on the train. But what you would not have known was that I did drive to school yesterday, cos we were actually taking the train to Hilton International Singapore to pick up the car, cos My dad started at 7 that morning. And as for us not being the first to sacrifice our seat, to the old man, well he actually really needed the seat, cos as I noticed the tension that was amidst created as a result of the “dude” vacating the seat anyway, the old man tried to put up a “ I-am- an- old-war-hero-and-I-still-have-many-more-years-left-in-me-what-is-standing-in-a-packed but-rocky-train-when-I-have-gone-through-far worse-things-in-life” front. But soon enough he relented and I noticed his experienced limbs shaking as he struggled to sit down on the seat. Wait, I haven’t really arrived at my point have I? Well, I was just trying to say that everything is never what it seems, in fact there are many a time when the truth could be the exact opposite of what you see. This was exactly what I learnt in theatre tutorial today where we did a lesson on reading a Director’s analysis and interpretation of his play. Trust me it was truly intriguing, even though I might not have made it out to be so.

I have been waiting for my three A level students to call me since Friday, or at least leave me a message but they didn’t and I was getting really worried. I would not have contacted my tutor if I did badly. So I messaged my other three students and my fears really came true. I know I shouldn’t be too disappointed about it, but sometimes I cant really help myself. I was entrusted with a responsibility to help these girls to do well in econs but I failed. The worse thing is not knowing where I have gone wrong, considering they had me for a whole year. I have had students in previous years with whom I had only 3 to 4 months to help them, but they all got at least a B in the end. Its times like these when I wonder if I would make a good teacher. I will be. I have to be.

I had a bad climbing day on Sunday and an even worse day at soccer with the boys. I couldn’t complete any of the walls I attempted to climb cos I really couldn’t grip anything, and my ball control gave way so much that I ended up hardly holding the ball. I wasn’t sure why the day was so bad but I am gonna attribute it to me being drained of energy after going on for 7 days without carbs.

So I rewarded myself on that seventh day with dinner at sakura with the Tan family in true Chinese Muslim fashion. I had a bowl of rice with chopsticks and lots of dishes and it really tasted so good. You wouldn’t think you would savour such good food until you crave for it for so long. There was Thai Chicken with Thai Chilli Sauce, Omelette stir fried in Onions, Sambal KangKong, Hotplate Beancurd with Mushroom, Black Pepper Beef served on Hotplate and to top it all off Seafood Tom Yam Soup. Wet anyone’s lips yet?

The dinner was so good I felt I could go on with my diet and exercise regime for another week and so it has been for the past two days, but as the funky cold madina had predicted, I am starting to hallucinate, but I am a fighter and I shall persevere especially when I have been receiving quite a number of compliments about my looks lately.

I just returned from Jalan Kayu where we celebrated Capt Z’s first solo flight and Vyniker’s return to civilization from OBS Perak. I know this sounds damn gay and lame, but I am extremely proud of the two of them, or maybe I am just proud to have pilots amongst friends. Either or. Although I know at some point in time, I would be envious of the extravagant lifestyles they would be leading as a result of their super-high salaries and the prestige that comes along with being pilots.

I feel a little too sleepy to go on so I am gonna stop here. Gotta be up for 9 am lecture tomorrow.

Out

Technology fails me

I am trying to watch this video of a play that I am supposed to do a drama review on for my Theatre Studies midterm assignment. I just hate it when technology fails me at a time when I am most prepared physically and mentally. The bloddy thing just wont play and I dont understand why. It cannot be my connection or source, because, not being boastful, we paid loads of money to have a cable connection that transfers 6800 kbps of data ,and my lappie is certainly top of the notch, although it sure doesn’t look it on the outside. Without watching the video, I will not be able to do this review, cos I have not watched enough of it, and I have to hand this in by Monday. Haiz. Ill have to try and try until the network gives up on forbidding me to watch it, and relent. Or else I would have to go to school on a Sunday just to watch it.

I felt bad and still feel bad about lying to my mum about going to rouge last night. I couldn’t tell her the truth because she know I had tuition this morning at 9 all the way in Woodlands, and she has this thing about me coming home late and not having enough sleep to carry out the responsibility entrusted to me the next day. As it is, she made a lot of noise about me supposedly having to work late with Nu Quest last night, grumbling about how I don’t know how to prioritize my responsibilities, and how I take up too many things that I cannot handle. Imagine the amount of flak I would have gotten if she knew I went to support my friend spin and turn tables at Rouge. Speaking of which, I would like to say thanks to superstar dj fictionaire, for having invited me last night. I had a blast, dancing to great music courtesy of fictionaire, hanging with my friends while feeling and experiencing the tension that surmounted due to my friend’s irresistible attraction and the effect he has on the female kind. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, it wasn’t as drama-mama as we had imagined it to be.

I slept at 440 am and woke up at 730, which effectively meant I had only 2hrs and 50 mins of sleep going into class this morning. Thankfully, I planned to go through their test paper today because I would not have had the zest or energy to competently deliver a proper Maths lesson today. In fact, I ended 15 mins early for my Sec 4 class which is very rare as usually I am the type of tutor that has to be constantly reminded by both my students and my supervisor to end promptly at 1215.

I planned to go to school after tuition, where I would finish up on my essay and maybe slot in my swim, gym and running sessions. But I gave in to my sleepiness and decided to go home first before going to school. That was a very wrong move. I ended up sleeping all the way from 2 to 7, waking up to realize that going to school then would just be a waste of time since the library will close at 945. I would like to apologize to Miss Lipstick, for having cancelled out on this plan to go to school together, I really didn’t think I would have slept that long. I hope you had a more productive day than I did.
So I woke up, taking some time to hate myself for making yet another wrong decision, and then donned my running attire to go for a run. Oh yes, I prayed and seeked for God’s forgiveness before I left, and that made me feel better and it made me want to run somehow. I went for a great run as I felt very much lighter and I was running faster and that made me forget about the previous disappointments of the day. And so here I am typing an extremely long blog about my day, still fidgeting with the media player to force it to play my damn play.
I hope to finish my essay fast so that I can go climbing again tomorrow and play soccer with peace in mind. Ill stop here and continue to work at my essay with whatever knowledge I have of the play. I haven’t been eating a lot and my stomach is growling. Its been six days, lets hope I keep this up, without dying of course. Ha ha.

Out

Warning Email

For the first time in my undergraduate life, I was warned via email for not attending a tutorial class. I checked my mail and I was extremely shocked that my lecturer personally sent an email asking for a valid reason for my absence from tutorial. I really don’t know what to conjure up as I don’t have any medical documents to back me up. Telling the truth is definitely out because that would mean telling my lecturer that I didn’t see the point of making my way all the way to school from the other end of Singapore for a one hour tutorial at 9 am that is the only class for the day. Once again, don’t ask why I planned my timetable as such. It’s a really long story and I really don’t feel like writing about it. Another time perhaps.

The audition I went for was like any other mediacorp audition I attended previously. I came, filled up a casting form leaving the space that asks for the name of my talent agency or manager blank, before I was given a script to read. This time around, I was supposed to be the best friend of some gay fella who wants to be a transvestite but fears the harsh treatment of everyone around him and society. I had difficulties memorizing the lines but I thought I did alright. I really don’t know if ill get the part though because these things are highly subjective. Sometimes, you might get the part not because you can act well or because you look damn good on camera, but more because the face suits the role you are supposed to portray. I was wondering to myself while I was rehearsing whether I would ever be that guy.( This is what I usually do, immerse my self into the character or try very hard to be him). This was really interesting cos given different circumstances I wouldn’t have even imagined it. For everyone’s info, I am extremely homophobic, and trust me, I had a traumatic experience to justify why I was like that. I used the past tense because in recent times I have hung out with gays, and from that I have learnt to be more receptive to the social changes happening in the world, and to realize that other than their sexual orientation, they are just like anyone else. Enough about that, lets hope I get the part.

I have a lot of work to do. I have an essay due on Monday on the Semiotics of the NUS adaptation of the play Shakuntala of the Mahabharata. After 3 weeks of tutorial sessions, I still cannot gather enough to write a good paper. Then I have another one due next Thursday, a reaction paper based on two readings about Singapore’s recent history. The only problem with this one is that I just added the module 3 to 4 weeks ago as a graduation requirement, and I have missed a substantial amount of tutorials and lectures so I am not really too sure of the direction that the lecturer is in. Group projects have started and soon meetings will take up a lot of my time. For starters I definitely have one next week on Wednesday. That is bad not only because Wednesday is one of my free days, but also because the meeting requires me to research and be well prepared to present my share of the group assignment.

As an MDIS tutor, I have another set of marking to be done which I have to do really soon because they were expecting me to send it in midweek. The marking is not an issue because I only 4 more papers left to mark. But they haven’t emailed me the answer key( not that I need it). The contents of the email would consist of the answer key, a template to send the results in, and information about the next course of action I was supposed to take. The only reason I knew about having to mark and send it in midweek, was because another friend told me about it. So naturally, I don’t think its my fault for not sending this in. However, if I know my supervisors and the MDIS staff well enough, they would surely have a lot to say, so I shall just take my own initiative and send it in using my friend’s template.

Holidays are nearing and there are a lot of camp assignments coming up, most of which I have turned down, because they clash with school. I am disappointed for turning them down since I know the monetary benefits that I would NOT enjoy later. Well, this is my last semester and with the amount of work piling up, and the warning letters I have been getting, I really cannot afford to miss any more lessons. I would just have to rely on my Nu Quest corporate assignments this month. And according to my colleague, there are quite a number of it that has my name on it, just waiting for my confirmation.

The diet is working I think but I have to say that it is really exhausting and sometimes very painful to go without protein and run, swim and do weights at the same time. As angelsoul puts it, these are the hardships and sacrifices one endures as one indulges in one’s vanity. I have started eating more fruits to replenish the loss of vitamins and minerals, but I am still very hungry. Endure….endure.

I am leaving the house in about half an hour to pick the car up from Hilton Hotel, before going to Sentosa for a NU Quest programme. Then I will be heading to the mosque before going back to school to finish up my theatre essay. In the evening I shall run, go the gym and end off with 20 laps on the pool. After which, I would be meeting my friends to watch Hitch at Cineleisure . I will end off my packed day with going to rouge to support superstar dj fictionaire in one of his gigs that I have never been to. I hope everything turns out as planned. Oh no, I need to tuck in early tonight since I have tuition tomorrow. Sigh.

Until next time.
Out

Physical Education

I was reading my previous post and editing it because my friends have been lamenting about the atrocities of this particular one, when I realized I promised to finish off from where I started. That being writing about stuff I needed or wanted to say. My friends have also lamented about how infrequent I have been in my blog updates. So I looked back at my archives, I kinda agree with them since it seems the dates always seem to skip probably 7 digits at least before the next update. I can explain although I know no one would want to listen, so I shall not bother. Just take it that I was busy.

Anyway many things have happened. Many new developments have been made. One of which though came as a shock and it came today. As some of you might have known, my teaching award expects me to teach economics and English when I graduate and proceed on to NIE. However, I haven’t been doing relatively well in Economics since my 3rd semester and somehow the Ministry took notice( of course with my help when I applied for a change in CT). So ever since my fourth semester they have been monitoring my progress and I have had to go for interviews every semester. This semester was no different. However, as it was my graduating semester, I suppose it was more essential than the others before. Firstly because they required the teacher to have graduated with Honours in economics in order to teach economics. Secondly, considering I filed for graduation, they realized I wasn’t going to do honours and that I wouldn’t have met their criteria. So although the interview went well, they did ask about other subjects that I would like to teach. In fact they actually mentioned three different subjects, namely mathematics, history and physical education. I obviously had no issues with all three and answered their questions fairly well. However I didn’t think much of it because I never thought that they were actually going to change my subjects. And from my nick, I am sure everyone knows what econs has been changed to. True enough, ladies and gentlemen, if all goes well, I am going to be a PE teacher. It came as a shock to me at first because I really love economics and the thought of teaching it would truly be a dream career. But I realized that teaching PE and English wouldn’t be a bad idea after all. I love sports and games and it would be truly engaging and wonderful to be able to share this passion with my students, many of whom have it in them as well, only waiting for the right channels to be opened. On top of that, I get to pursue my whole notion about being the cool PE teacher but yet firm when in the service of imparting knowledge. Not forgetting of course, the fact that I do not have to wear shirt and pants to school, coupled with creating more opportunities to keep myself fit and earn extra PE allowance every month. All in all, I suppose I have come to believe that this is a blessing is disguise, although I will not stop my dream of teaching economics. I plan to pursue my masters 2 years into teaching and hopefully I would be able to transfer later on. Oh yes, Carlos says I have to start working at being cool since I am now in the “fraternity”. But whenever I looked into the mirror, I realize he really doesn’t know what he is talking about. (Smiles)

That being settled, life is good since everything seems to be falling into place although I hope to be more organized and conscientious in my school work, especially since deadlines are nearing. And of course, it would be nice to be settled emotionally with someone special, who would mean the world to me. Someone that I care a lot about and who cares a lot about me as well. Someone that would be happy with me and one that makes me extremely happy. Someone that would tell me off whenever I deserved it and would remind me to constantly remain rooted to the ground. Someone who would know everything about me and me everything about her. Someone I can look at and never want to stop looking. Someone who would be able to take my aloofness, my insensitive being or my sensitive moments, my need to be at the peak and the nonsensical disappointments I suffer whenever the peak is not reached, someone who could disagree with me and be my worst critic, someone who understands me not only emotionally but intellectually or mentally for that matter, someone who knows my friends and understands how much I love them as I know and understand about hers. Ultimately someone who I am most comfortable with, someone who would be my best friend, my soulmate. Ok, don’t worry folks, I am not getting all emotional right now, neither am I reminiscing about some ex girlfriend, although I have to admit she does possess these qualities. I am just writing about what it would take for me to change and remain settled. Somehow though, I don’t think she would be appearing any time soon or worse if she would even surface at all because honestly good things do not happen to me, and I haven’t been that great a Muslim for God to love me that much. HE loves me I know, but HE knows I don’t deserve such happiness, not yet at least.

Speaking of which, these days I have been looking forward to Mondays a lot since there is a certain class that only occurs on Mondays. First and foremost, I love the class a lot cos It involves something I really like and from the attention I have been receiving in this class, it did make me look as though I was quite good at it. More importantly though, I look forward to Mondays because I get to be in close proximity with this girl now personally known as the Hottest of Hot. This is a tanned Chinese girl with a Pan Asian face and long hair and a body to die for, ( and I really don’t mean it in a bad way) She has the greatest smile and a very interesting personality( actually I really wouldn’t know cos our conversations are usually very short). To top it off, she seems like an independent girl who loves to work out. Imagine that. We could go to the gym together. Hahaha. What you say Wishful thinking. Anyway, yes that’s how hot she is. I cant really state exactly what module this is, cos we never know who might read this, so I would rather maintain a certain element of mystery. That however is not the best thing folks. She asked me to join her group for our final project and the project is quite heavy since it accounts for 50% of the final evaluation. Which obviously means we would need to meet up often to finish up stuff but don’t worry I am so not complaining. Haha.

Ok enough about the goddess of hotness, anyway I was supposed to write about the other things I needed to say from my previous posting but I cant really remember. I went climbing last weekend as I said I would, and I must say I really think I improved a lot. I managed to conquer most of the walls I didn’t manage to climb last week. So I hope the improvement continues and I get better and better.

As you might have read from his blog, I went for a run with angelsoul. We planned to run two rounds as we always do, but circumstances somehow didn’t allow it to happen, especially since according to him I came late. Nevertheless it was good run. Especially when it should work well with the No Carbo diet that I am trying out for three days. Its my second days fellas and I am dying. But I shall persevere. I am going for a mediacorp audition for a part on an English docu-drama tomorrow. Lets hope the diet pays off.

Thats it for now. Gonna go watch American Idol now. A great show.
Out.