HEy

Its the last day of 2004 people....and look at how its gonna end....could have been a good year. But well God has his ways... It is during these times that i feel we are really blessed to be living here in Singapore. Well my friends would hate to hear this from me, but well for everyone's information, i truly believe that this is the best country to be staying in due to its stabilty and everything. Of course in this sense, escaping from the Killer waves was a case of being strategically placed right from the beginning. But even so...I really think we should be thankful for that ah.
But again i must say this is really sad news. Lets look at itfrom an economic perspective. I thinkeveryone knows that things are really just starting to pick up, especially in the region.Economic growth moving up and if u were examining the forex market just before this, u would would have been able to see the good progress Asean countries were making. And i think a ot of people know that things were actually looking bright for Indonesia with the elections just finishing. She had a lot of potential in 2005, but now with such a calamity, hitting her the worst, things are gonna be bad. Again, i suppose god had his ways. For those who didnt know Indonesia's total deaths so far has reached 80k, shooting the total death toll to about 125k. Sigh. What a way to end the new year.

On another note, there have been some people reading, and its really great to know u all are reading. Thanks guys. Would love it if u guys could leave comments and stuff, or maybe i havent really created that avenue for all of u to do so...but continue reading and leave ur comments ya...i welcome all of them. As for pictures...dont worry they will be coming up pretty soon.

On that note, have a good year everyone. Cant really say too much in memory of those who are suffering.

Azuan Out.

Rotting

WOw.... i have been such a homely person its amazing... and all cos my hand hurts. Or at least thats the excuse i gave myself. Basically i just left the houe when it was absolutely necessary like going for meetings and stuff or if someone wanted to belanja me dinner. So in that sense didnt have to further dtrain the financial woes i was facing. But i still have yet to go to mdis and i really have to so that very soon, or else my financial woes are gonna get even worse in time to come.
I am just happy i have been able to curb my need to go out and spend. Shows how disciplined i am. Ok,,,not having the car at my disposal, did help a lot la.....
Anyway its the time of the year to start biding for modules, and despite the atrocities of my results, i suppose i have to do it. The amazing this is that i realized i need to do an exposure module to fulfill my graduation requirement....funny eh...so yeah i am going to be doing a level 1000 module....not bad..a;though up till now i have no idea what yet.

1000 things

Listening to Jason Mraz' things 1000 things. Love it. Friends, think you all should go listen to it. Anyway, i just came back from Marina Mandarin after being a best man to my great friend. Well the last time i wrote here, it must have sounded really bad. And some of you did message me, and i just wanted to say thanks for your concern. Really appreciate it. Anyway, it was really bad la....but i dont feel as shitty as i was on saturday, not cos my problems have suddenly disappeared, but cos i dont think anyone would be able to sustain this kind of emotional letdown for close to 4 days.
Being preoccupied with helping my friend throughout his entire marriage ceremony kind of helped i suppose. Being the emcee on sunday wedding dinner didnt help though, cos i didnt really do a good job of it...haiz...dont think will get any more of offers to emcee...
On saturday, weall attended his wedding service at a church in Bukit Permei. Anyway to my muslim friends, if you all though our majlis nikah was long and elaborate, u should go to a catholic wedding. After which, i helped him arrange for a surprise at the reception which was held at the church as well. Guess what, we got my ex talentime counetrparts to play at their reception area. At least they have a singing career, not like some Singapore Idol wannabe,(I am talking about me here). Judging from how much he paid them, i tell you it pays a lot to be discovered.
After that i had to go home la. Anyway i was still driving on my own despite my hand if u all can recall what happened to it. Apparently, my hand is ok to drive. So dont worry aight. Sent my date to her christmas party and went straight home. And i didnt leave home at all after that. Sorry guys i couldnt join u all at simpang, cos i had to be at marina mandarin at 830 the next morning and i wasnt really in the best state of health as u all would have known by now. Anyway just wanted to say i miss u all too....haha. really.
Had a lot of time to ponder over my results. Now i dont know what modules to take sia. haiz...i still have to go and classify my modules. Been procrastinating cos its kind of depressing to realize what a mess i have created of myself.
Anyway i was at Marina Mandarin lat next morning, cos i couldnt decide on what to wear in the day and at night, coupled of course with the fact that it took me a long time to wear my clothes with only my left hand in perfect working condition. And everyone knows Azuan is very right handed.
Nevertheless, reached the hotel and was subjected to the "sabo" nonsense that the bridesmaids put forward before they allowed us to get in to pick the bride up. We had to drink shitty stuff, make a fool of ourselves in hotel lobby, sing and dance and even doing push ups. I of course had to do one handed pushups. Surprisingly it was damn fun...seriously. After we had sucessfuly the different stages in helping Leo(my married friend),achieve his prize, it was then back o my chauffeur duty. A convoy of 4 cars, going to his place for the traditional tea ceremony. Driving was a lot beter today and i managed to see the actual chinese tradition of weddings. A heritage i am so proud of but nothing about. Then we were off to the bride's place for the same thing. There was where the best men and the bridesmaids, got to mingle..ahem ahem.... and there certainly were eye candy i must say. Unfortunately, the fact that i was all bandaged up on my right and that i was like the youngest there, your dear Azuan Tan decided to lay low in the whole period of socialising, but still they couldnt stop asking about me...hahaha. Sorry guys, but in times like these when u need thses things to boost your own morale and start to feel good about yourself....

Ok i just realized there is like too much to write about Sunday so i shall just contine another day. Anyway today is Monday, and somehow i feel as though i havent met some of my friends for a very long time. But well i couldnt help it. Whatever it is, the compensation towards the Taxi cost me 35o dollars and i paid him already. Sigh. To my dear best friend, he knows who he is, thank you for lending me the money first.( even though he might not be reading this). Whatever it is, he has always been there for me no matter what, and words cannot describe how grateful i am especially when he has always put everything down just to help me. Thanks bro. I owe you many times over.
I went for a dressing change and i managed to see my wound. It certainly looks gross and feels awful.My whole hand also looks really swelled up.
Ok i am feelinf kinda sleepy and i think i should go and take a nap now. Will continue my stories soon.

Gosh

Hey, its been 10 days since my last confession. And i thought i wouldbe one of those regular bloggers, constantly updating my blog. Surprise, surprise. I am not going to be rambling on about past lives, cos this could have been the worst day of my life, and i think i must let it out.

It started out in the morning, where obviously i woke up late and i coud on manage to run and then swim 20 laps. It was more of a cardio workout, but intitially i expected to go to the gym as well, cos the day before, i only managed to play soccer. Well for those of you who do not know, iam on a mission. To shape a body to die for.... and its been going on quite well i think until today. So as i was saying, i couldnt go to the gym cos i could only manage the cardio workout before it was time for prayers. Then when i returned home for prayers, i realized it was the day results was gonna come out. Although iinititally intended to go out immediately after prayers, the results coming out at 3 hed me back. And boy this was my worst results ever.....and i mean worst...Sigh. Really bad. Then i said fuck lets get out and forget all about it, but hell who was i kidding. Was thinking about the whole time i was with friends, even during eating and playing. There was no way i was going to do honours like this, what worse i might not even get to graduate with merit. Well i cant blame anyone but myself, so there is nothing much i can do about it. But seriously i feel like a mother fucking loser. I had a lot of friends doing relativly and here i amin my 3rd cocking everything up. I didnt tell my mum yet, and am quite afraid she would find out, cos then she would be damn dissapointed. Imagine if MOE doesnt want me anymore, i will be fucking screwed, fucking screwed. So i couldnt help brood over it, even while driving, playing pool. After sending a friend home and on my way to meet another, my car had to scratch another taxi. AND IT WAS ENTIRELY MY FAULT. And this had to add on to my financial woes. Where the hell am i going to get the money to pay for compensation. On top of that, the guy i sold my super 4 too is not picking up calls when he has not paid me the monthly 200 bucks. I am so dead, so dead. I had to go home after the stupid accident. Went online while staying at home, and started getting acquainted, with some online friends. Then was invited over to a party, which i decided ill go la. Especially when this friend i was going to pick up was like damn hot. However my mum gave me hell, before i left the house, about the fact that i have been out at night everyday since i got the car. And how i was not a good son, irresponsible.And how i am living my life wrongly. And, imust say that i am very affected by what my mum says, especially cos there is some truth to it. On top of that, she is after all my mum and its just not good when u dont have her blessings. So i left with a heavy heart, bt i left anyway, still thinking about what she said and my results. I went off to pick her up. When i reached her place, i needed to go to the toilet and therefore i told her i needed to use her toilet, and on my way down, i slipped into her pond!!!!
At first, i was more embarased about how clumsy and stupid i must have looked. Then i felt that my hand was wet too, so i decided to check and guess what,the fall created a deep laceration on my right hand!!!!! It was so deep u could see my bone and u could see blood just coming out like nobody;s business. There was like so many layers of skin that the thing cut through. So we kind of spent our first date inTan Tock Seng hospital. I needed 16 stitches and my hand hurts so bad i cant even drive properly. To add on to my bad day, i had to be the best man to my friend's wedding the next day and the day after next, they needed me to drive around for the wedding. Since i was also going to be the emcee, come sunday, you shall see a cacat emcee at the Marina Mandarin Ballroom.
In an entire day, i managed to screw my future with bad results, furher strain the financial debts i am already in, and made myself even worse looking with my cacat hand, and the fact that i wont be able to do weights and swim for a long time. Arghhhhhhhhh
My mum's words kept ringing in my head. I suppose i am living my life poorly and this is god'sway of punushing me. I havent been keeping my prayers.... and i havent been very productive. Have been lying to my parents a lot... What am i going to do? I really dont know
Not keep late nights, setting priorities...Have i really been a bad boy, muslim? Or am i being punished for old times.... I suppose so...I feel like a mother fucking loser. I really didnt think these things would happen...Argh...lets not talk about this.
Feeling so sian, just typing....Well at least i met someone really nice...really nice. And hot!!!!
But remember azuan....let things happen, dont make them.

About me

Where do i begin in this journey of self reflection? I suppose it would have to start with a summary of the 23 fulfilling years i have been leading. Nevertheless, i must say that 23 is quite a huge number and i dont think i can remember all of it but i suppose i shall try.

I suppose i was born a huge baby, at least thats the perception i gather from the things my parents and my relatives talk about all the time. The first male born child, of three came along on the 8th April 1981, at the old KK hospital, luckily enough to two great parents, Hasan Bin Abdullah and Mariam bte Abdul Ghafoor. I was then named Mohd Azuan Bin Hasan. It was not until i was 11 that both me, my brother and my dad got a deed poll for a change of our names to the names we have today. Anyway, they are great parents, and even greater people i suppose. They met at Hilton Hotel, their workplace, (thats where my dad still works) and i guess they were young parents, 25 and 23 respectively. My late grandmother stayed with us, back then in Ang Mo Kio Street 61 Blk 639 #04-5065. So she was around a lot during my growing up years. You see my parents were not that well to do, and we were also not well to do, however they are extremely hardworkers and i suppose they did reasonably well in the hotel line, in the respective careers they were pursuing. They knew they had to raise a family and my grandmother at the same time, and the essence of working hard. So for a huge part of my early years, my grandmother took care of me la. I must say though, that my parents never neglected me la back then, despite their busy schedule. There were always outings with my parents to weird places. When there were rifts between my mum and her mother(oh yes she was the one staying with me) then this huge bubbly little baby boy was usually ferried around through and fro ang mo kio and hilton hotel, where my parents played pass the baton. Therefore, i spent some time growing up in hilton as well and travelling with my dad and mum. In that sense, it must have been really a struggle for them la, young small parents handling an oversized giant like me. On top of that, i wasnt the easiest of babies. I contracted any major disease a baby could get. Mumps, Jaundice, Measles and i had an operation when i was 4 months old in order to remove two muscles which was clogging my oesaphagus, causing me to vomit everytime i ate or drank. The operation still grows with me up till today y'know. So there goes manhunt, hahahaha. SO yes, they struggled a lot with me. Big, fair baby, but received a whole lot of attention. Well i was after all the first male born. You wouldnt expect anything less.haha. Which i suppose influenced the way i am today, in the sense that i crave for attention, crave to be at the centre of it all. Not blaming anyone though. When my brother came along in 1983, i had company which was more fun i suppose, cos i really couldnt remember a time when i was alone without my brother. He was naturally an important figure in my life as well. I can remember once my mother told me, that i was her pride and Azhar was her joy. Interesting, although come to think of it, there are many ways to look at it. But yes basically, that has always been the dynamics of our roles in the family. We were always doing things together. We went to the same primary school, attended swimming and karate lessons. Basically everything i did, he did it as well. Although often, not all the time, but often, i always tend to do it better, and i suppose growing up in that kind of environment did affect his self esteem in some sense. When we were in primary school, i suppose he did live as Azuan's brother. Cos back in primary school, i was living the life. I was in the best class, top malay student, head prefect, dc award in scouts(hmmmm). Great times la then, although i was kinda too young to reap the full benefits, i must say those were great times. I wished i had stayed on with the mentality i had in primary school all the way through my school years.I suppose i would have done better. Not only from an academic perspective, i suppose in a lot of sense, it might have been good la for me. These are not regrets and i personally believe evrything happens for a reason, just saying that if i could live my life again, it would have been different la.

Ok my mum is calling me, guess i have to go. Ill continue this again. Untill next time.

There it is. I finally did it. I decided that I wanted to start blogging like weeks ago. Then i told myself, "After exams, after exams". i finished my exams more than a week ago, then this morning i finally did something. Well, it was actually kind of difficult to get started, cos there really were quite a few things that had to be done prior to setting up a blog, but whatever the case, here i am. Many questioned as to why i wanted to start a blog. You could hear, "Why are you being such a girl, why you so pussy??". Well, I dont really have to explain myself for doing something personal, but i guess i shall, since doing so would reaffirm my belief in doing so. Basically the jist of it is that, throughout my entire life, as a trainer and as a facilitator for camps i attended, I have always propogated those around me to reflect on life, take a step back to think, be focused and driven towards your own ambitions. However, i realized i dont think i do that enough, despite knowing the necessity and the benefits of doing it. Therefore, i suppose blogging, keeping a online journal, helps meto track back past lives, past deeds, and to pave new pathway for the future.Things tend to get more organized when you pen them down. On top of that, i realize whether i want to admit or not, reminiscing and thinking about old memories, is something i love to do. With a blog, i suppose it allows me to do so on my own without sounding too "jiwang" and without letting others tell me to" Eh wan, stop thinking and hoping about the past and start focusing about the future lah!!!" Well. these are just some of the reasons why i am starting to blog guys and girls.

Many will tell me that i could just keep a diary, or something more personal, but i realize that my life has been pretty "closet" all these 23 years, and maybe being a little honest, and upfront about stuff would help me deal with my own shortcomings. On top of that, all these years in NUS, has made me hate writing, coupled with my illegible handwriting, blogging seemed an approapriate step.

So to Azuan Tan, I hope you gain whatever to gain from thisbig step you are taking(hahah...yeah right). To my fellow readers, welcome to my life. For my family and friends, and for those who know me, feel free to leave any comments, opinions or criticisms. I welcome them as i believe it is good to learn from your mistakes. To those who dont know me and happened to stumble upon my blog, I am Azuan Tan...err my profile says it all. Thats it for now. Its noon and i havent bathed, so i guess i shall log out and start cleansinh this filthy body of mine.

500 points for those who can defeat me...Hahahah